does it seems that you can’t do anything right or that you just can’t seem to fit in. like no matter how many people are around you, you just can’t feel like you belong anywhere. like you have no meaning at all. well thats how i have felt for about two years now.

i have tried everything to get rid of the feeling that half of me is missing, but ever since i had to leave the life i had about two years ago, i can’t fill the vold left by all that i lost.

well when i felt i belong for the first and only time in my life was at my middle school, there i had freinds who cared about me and a life that i was prond to have and wanted to live it for as long as possible. i think out of all i lost in between 8th and 9th grade was my freindship with mikey and john, and mikey b. we all were inseperatable. we all were really close. but none of them was as close to me as mikey. he was the one person that no matter what happened was there for me and would of done anything to protect me and ended up later dying because of me.

after 8th grade i had to go to a new school other then the one that i wanted to go to, a different one then all of my other freinds, i had to go to a school that i was the new be and didn’t know anyone. it hurt because i felt that i was going to lose myself then and i did since june 14th when i walked out of that school and away from the only family i really ever had, the only people that ever really cared about me, and away from the person that i felt was the most important person in the world to me. His name would be mikey. i thought that me and him would be life lone friend but my mom hated him because he was mixed. and about two weeks after i walked out of the school i got into some troble with a guy name andrew and alot of things happened and mike went to protect me and make sure i was ok. and in the end he ended up dead shot to death, killed because he cared.

ever since i found out about his death i felt lost and confused, i tried everything to replace the way he made me feel, that sense of belonging and a feeling that i don’t think i would ever feel again. whenever i come close to the feeling something is different and now i thik it is time that i give up on that feeling, because no person on earth can be like he was for me, no person could ever be him, and now i realize that all the freinds i have now aren’t ever going to care about me the way he did, or even fight to be my freind, and no boyfreind or guy i fall in love with will ever understand me the way he did, he was someone that just made me feel complete and like i had a prepose in life, something i could do that would be good, instead of the way most things i feel threw people like they could careless about me. now threw others eyes i feel like all i do is wrong all i say is wrong, that i am distruction and how could they ever care about such a horable person, none of the people i thought did care about me, think i am a part of this world the could care less if i am alive dead, friend or foe, anything or nothing.

i feel like he is the only one with the exception of my grandmother that would ever care about me and because i was forced two years ago by my mom to give up, i will never know who we would of been or what would of been of me today, i can’t say that i regret the past two years cause i have had alot of fun, but none of those things i did, gave me that feelings when i went to bed or gave me something to wake up for. thanks to my mother racism and strct rukes i lost the best feeling in the world and sent into a world to wonder my perpose in life till the day i die.