there was a time that i was toltaly happy, that i felt like nothing could go wrong, but in one year all of it changed, allthe memories started to haunt me.

but i did begin to get happy and smile alot more without forcing it to my face. it had seemed that somewhere when my heart grew cold to those around me and that i had been so far from help that someone had guided me back into the light. someone that started off as the boyfreind’s best freind and ended cup being sort of like an angel. he is hard on himself and alot of bad things has happened to him, but with each growing day he is always there to help and pays close attention to those around him and i wanted to show him some how that he has changed my life for ever, because now i am not haunted  by the past and all the things that have happened i remember that those things are want have made me who i am today. although of course there are things to regret, i love the person i have turned out to be. and i feel like he was a big part of that. he showed me that altough dating the bad gguys are more fun that sometimes want you need is one that protects you by holding you tight. and i know that one day he is going to make some girl a really good prince charming. for he is every fairytale, heavenly, and mighty person i have ever know. he has made mistakes but its ok because he has turned out to be one of the best guys that i have ever meant. he is through everything i have said and things that i have done, remined the person i trust the most and my best friend. an angel to guide the way for those who are lost and will soon leave to find another needing soul and help them realize that we are who we are because its who we ae meant to be.

i hope he realizes that i am me because he showned me the way to be me again. i still have a long way to go but i know my road because he showed me. i wouldn’t be alive without you guideing me and showing me that there is more to life……

i hope that you miss high school more then you think. i hope you remember me, cause i will never forget you<3

the last of the updates you know all the big problems that have happened since the 3rd of may till the 15th and this will update you on the rest……

since that monday when he had hurt my shoulder all i wanted was i good day together and for five days striaght when we were together all we did was fight, fight about everything, what he would joke around about, the way my freinds acted, the way his freinds acted, and so much other things, and on friday in the pouring rain about an hour before my cheerleading try outs, he had started another fight and i had had it, by then i already thought about it because this relationship had from the best to the worse and so very fast, so i told him i needed the time, that i couldn’t be in a relationship with a guy who i couldn’tget along with , and i thought that maybe if we were freinds things would get better. but some things work and some don’t. i feel like maybe this is want we needed, but i miss him alot and he acts lke he does but sometimes i wonder if he really does, well how could someone blame me for still loving him after all the time we had spend together, but part of he had moved on he had kissed another girl, he says by accendent but those words ring threw my head…. it was his instinct. and now things started getting tough on the 19th was the two  year anniversity since my mikey died and on the june 21 he would 18. and rich’s freinds are talking on me and things keep going for good to bad slowly. when i think everything is going to be alright something tends to happen to distory it but i am beginning to realize that i have to take one day at a time, one secound, one minute, one hour at a time… and just maybe, maybe i’ll get threw this life with a little piece of me left.

not all bad things have happened though, i saw a freind that i haven’t seen in three years twice in one weekend, we caught up and then talked to another old freind that i see every once in awhile but never really talk to, it felt good because she was my best freind, the first person i meant when going to middle school, and talked about old time with one of my oldest freinds. and found out alot of things, like that the one other guy beside mike i love back then, the one no one can get me to talk about, john james, no one knows what happen to him and i hope and pray with everything in me that  nothing happened to him because i would never be able to forgive myself and alot of other things. but i hope that one day i will see the person i was back then and find that peace i had when i was with those people and sometimes that is a bad way to be, but i can’t tell the future and i can’t make the world show me were to good or make people tell the truth. all i can do is hope and pray and bring a little bit of happiness to a darkened world.

ok the post before undated you from the forth of may to the tenth of may….. and this one will undate you from the 11th of may to the 15th of may……

ok well i had worked the entire weekend before and this would be mothers day where again i had to work and rich had let me know time after time after time that he was straved for some of my attention and things were about to get harder.

He had come over for mother’s day and everything was going fine we were laughing and having fun and had a great time at breakfast with my family, but afterwards we had to go to patty’s house and things once again turned into a fight, which ended in me slapping him and him not talking to me, the fight started with jason, patty’s son, ( and for those who don’t remember patty, she is the foster perent of my niece emily). but soon after about an hour of fighting and rich saying “i want a kiss it would me alot to me” for me  to stop being mad and give him his kiss and for  the rest of the day everything was alright, but when i got off work rich had walked me home an dall he talked about was how i wasn’t giving him enough attention and how he was doing everything for himself. i brushed it off or held it in and when we got to my house i had tried to give him attention he wanted but i just wasn;t able to. and he went home.

monday was even worse……….. everything was good, i did  want ever he said for me to do and gave me all of my attention, but everything fell when i gave my freind a hug. my freind adam had been a good friend for awhile and i gave him a hug that rich said i give no other person, which wasn’t true. he ended up saying give me my kiss so i could get to class. i gave it to him and as he walked away i didn’t heard him say i love you and he got mad yelled at me and i said that back, and adam told him to clam down.. and then adam asked me want was his problem and i couldn’t give him an answer but i already knew that his true nature of jealously had shown its evil head again. the next period i confronted him able the way he had been acting and then got really worried when he started saying that i gave him a hug i give no one else. he was acting stupid and maybe my next move was the worse one possible, instead of fighting, i started to  walk to my class and right by the class room door all i felt was my shoulder start to hurt and i realize then he had done it. he had taken my arm pulled, wrapped, and applied strenght. my shoulder since that day still feel the effects of that day. later that day when i had ask him about it he said that it was his instinct to grab me but at the time and still sometime find myself thinking was it really to grad me or to hurt me. so times i do wonder…..

i forgave him, for a secret promise not even he knows about, a promise between to old best freinds. that i wouldn’t give up on a good man for no reason at all, and i mean it. the only way i would break up with him is it was had to be done if it was good for both of us, weather a break or a for good type of thing.

there has been alot happening in the last couple of weeks and sorry that i didn’t write sooner about this to keep you guys updated but i didn’t really have time.

so since may 3rd alot of things have happened

first this post will be about may 4th and threw may 10th….

on May 4th me and my boyfreind got into a huge fight and ended up at the end breaking up, another on of my best freinds betrayed me and since that day i haven’t talked to her. but the story is…

at the beginning of the day i ask my boyfreind about what had been said to tony and he denied it. And of course i believedhim but i needed time to think because i was so confused, i didn’t know why they would say that or any on the other thosands of questions racing threw my head. i  couldn’t believe want was happening and he wouldn’t just leave alone to think he kept coming to my classes and not leaving me alone and at the end of the day he snapped and broke us off. soon after he walked away i noticed him talking to my best freind sam and sam said that i was cheating on him with gage. letting gage feel me up and i was said how much i loved his touch and such and said that this happened at lunch. and even though he has said that it was because he was mad, he yelled at me saying mean things to me and i in my defense had yelled back and thats when we broke  up with each other. it stayed that way for about four hours until once again i had to make the first move and say that i was sorry. at work i called him when i was on my break and he came down to my work and we made up.

the next day more things arose i confronted sam about want she had said and she dinied what had been said and then rich started to change small asspects of his story and then sean and tony had said something to rich calling him a pussy and such and at lunch i went to confront themand they said that me and rich together was getting old because after we had broken up rich was relieved and it hurt me and i didn’t want to believe it, but a small part of me believe it and that part of me was right. he admitted it to me after school when i ask in front of his freinds so i could find the truth. hye had felt relieved when we had broke up. but he had said that later on i was all he could think about i was always there, he had said that in spite of me. but that didn’t matter in the end i felt part of him give up on me.

as the days rolled on more things had arose and had to be confronted. i was sick and tired of holding in want i was feeling and i broke, i told rich how i had felt, betrayed torn. split and untrusting. we fought about everything but not for a long amount of time so i came to the conclusion that everything would get better. and for a couple of days things calmed down and i stopped talking to tony, sean, and sam. me and rich were good but i was working alot and had alot of other things to do.  

 

does it seems that you can’t do anything right or that you just can’t seem to fit in. like no matter how many people are around you, you just can’t feel like you belong anywhere. like you have no meaning at all. well thats how i have felt for about two years now.

i have tried everything to get rid of the feeling that half of me is missing, but ever since i had to leave the life i had about two years ago, i can’t fill the vold left by all that i lost.

well when i felt i belong for the first and only time in my life was at my middle school, there i had freinds who cared about me and a life that i was prond to have and wanted to live it for as long as possible. i think out of all i lost in between 8th and 9th grade was my freindship with mikey and john, and mikey b. we all were inseperatable. we all were really close. but none of them was as close to me as mikey. he was the one person that no matter what happened was there for me and would of done anything to protect me and ended up later dying because of me.

after 8th grade i had to go to a new school other then the one that i wanted to go to, a different one then all of my other freinds, i had to go to a school that i was the new be and didn’t know anyone. it hurt because i felt that i was going to lose myself then and i did since june 14th when i walked out of that school and away from the only family i really ever had, the only people that ever really cared about me, and away from the person that i felt was the most important person in the world to me. His name would be mikey. i thought that me and him would be life lone friend but my mom hated him because he was mixed. and about two weeks after i walked out of the school i got into some troble with a guy name andrew and alot of things happened and mike went to protect me and make sure i was ok. and in the end he ended up dead shot to death, killed because he cared.

ever since i found out about his death i felt lost and confused, i tried everything to replace the way he made me feel, that sense of belonging and a feeling that i don’t think i would ever feel again. whenever i come close to the feeling something is different and now i thik it is time that i give up on that feeling, because no person on earth can be like he was for me, no person could ever be him, and now i realize that all the freinds i have now aren’t ever going to care about me the way he did, or even fight to be my freind, and no boyfreind or guy i fall in love with will ever understand me the way he did, he was someone that just made me feel complete and like i had a prepose in life, something i could do that would be good, instead of the way most things i feel threw people like they could careless about me. now threw others eyes i feel like all i do is wrong all i say is wrong, that i am distruction and how could they ever care about such a horable person, none of the people i thought did care about me, think i am a part of this world the could care less if i am alive dead, friend or foe, anything or nothing.

i feel like he is the only one with the exception of my grandmother that would ever care about me and because i was forced two years ago by my mom to give up, i will never know who we would of been or what would of been of me today, i can’t say that i regret the past two years cause i have had alot of fun, but none of those things i did, gave me that feelings when i went to bed or gave me something to wake up for. thanks to my mother racism and strct rukes i lost the best feeling in the world and sent into a world to wonder my perpose in life till the day i die.

Betrayed

* as the day goes by and i slowly begin to realize*

*That behind it all seems to be true, but its still lies*

*my heart begins to weaken and starts to break*

*i knew the chalenge, but not the toll it would take*

*My eyes fill with tears, i will just push back*

* and i realize the courage is what i seem to lack*

* after all the time and dream together to become*

*i feel you are it, but others say “he isn’t the one”

*I start to believe that something is wrong what are they saying*

* they don’t understand the way i feel, the price that i am paying*

* the time around me flows the same, but i feel so behind*

* everything moving so fast, to fast, all i want is more time*

* “stop it” i scream nothing to be heard, i just want to give in*

* i want to start over, but then i don’t want this life to end*

*my heart pounds loud enough for me to hear*

* and spreading threw my body is a pain i can’t bear*

* i feel the blood pour out of my wounds, but none are seen*

* i feel so mad and sad, betrayed, i thought we were a team*

* i don’t understand, how am i going to survive, i don’t know what to do*

* what will become of the freindships and all we had, want will we turn in to*

A.N.R