well,you know already know the story,if you read the last post………….

right now i am writing this from inside school,  couldn’t go to class, just had to write………

i just bumped into this my boyfreind in the hall he made a big deal about everything, trying i guess to close my eye to the fact that he was playing me and trying to be nice but he was totally just being worse….

he tried saying that his bestfreind and mine were lieing to me and that all that they are trying to do is get you away from them, first his best freind doesn’t lie and that was enough for me because why would  his best freind do that, and why are othee people saying that he was indeed lying to me….

i feel worse now then before, because him lying to me made me more mad and then i started to say something i guess i really shouldn’t of said,,,,,,,,,

i said that he should just go and cheat on me already with the other girl he loves……

i feel really bad,but i kind a feel like now maybe he should be with her instead of me, i don’t know why he wants to hurt me and right now i don’t know what to do.

everyone tells me that i deserve better that he didn’t want me in the first place that it was the other  girl he wanted…. and i deserve better then that

the thing is that i really did and do love him but i don’t know if i can still go out with him if i don’t trust him anymore… is it possible to make this relationship work if i don’t have trust in what he says or does any more.

worse feeling in the world is when you trust someone who in the end will stabb you in the back.

when you care about someone and trust them with you life you expect them to treat you right and be beside you the whole way threw.

my story is often like that of the death of julius caesar. in the end it wasn’t that he had been stabbed so much by seven other people it was that the last person to stabbed was that of someone that he trusted and believed in his beloved Brutus. Caesar’s heart broke when he was stabbed by brutus fore brutus was his freind and someone he cared for so deeply and loved with all his life.

this is similar to want i felt, it wasn’t the death of me but it killed me inside, hurt like no other pain in the world or at least like any other pain that i felt before. I wasn’t hurt by two people that i trusted with all lmy heart and soul and ended up getting stabbed in the back by both of them.

they had skeemed to hurt me in the end, they say that they didn’t mean two but they did, they knew it was hurting me, they both had jion together against me and when i found out about the plot it hurt, there was a umbareable pain in my heart and chest, that of which spend all over my body, i became frozen in time and the memory of it playing over and over agian, trying to fiquire out want i did wrong, what had happened to cause them to do this.

one was my boyfreind, the other was one of the closest and best freinds i have. my EX-boyfriend had went to one of my bestfriends and told him to stay away from me that he needed me to love him alone and be with him alone, then my best freind for the past three months had been getting a little more cold towards me, wether saying mean things, ingoring me or even that fact that in the end showed no emition towards me at all, and then i had had enough of it.

i wanted to know why he was so cold and his eyes had turned on me, after all that i had done, after he knew how much i had cared about him and trusted him, i wanted a reason why he had started hateing me so much.

and he said…………..

“you boyfreind wanted me to”

and it broke, in came a pain that hurt every inch of my sould and heart, my lung closed up on me………….

the only person that i cared more about then my best freind was my boyfriend, how could he do something like that to me, i thought, i trusted him,  i cared about him, i hadd loved him, i don’t just care and love and TRUST just anybody i trusted them and both had treated me so bad, had stabbed me threw the heart.

it hurt so much more to get stabbed by someone that you trust and care about and love then anyone else in the world, any pain better then that pain you get by being betrayed by two poeple you trust and care about………………..

want is suppose to happen now, i want to be with them because i still kill, but everytime  i see their faces i feel so much pain, so much betrail, so much sadness………….

and then i get mad for trusting them and caring for people who didn’t and couldn’t care back.

want did i do to deserve such pain, so much pain, and sadness.

i just don’t understand why, how did this happen to me>???

OK, how about this for frustrating.

my best Friend is pregnant with my brother’s baby, but the thing is i knew her before he did. i love my Friend to death and wouldn’t want anything to happen to her,but she is going out with the one of my brothers that are dangerous and get angry easy. i have been threw everything that my brother could do and it hurts, he is Strong and able to hurt people. he was able to come after me, someone who has done just able everything for him, but he has come after me,lots of times and has hurt me in ways no other person can.

one time he threw me over the stairs railing and still came after me, i had bruises all over me and my shoulder was injured to a full extinct, and it still tends to get sore from time to time when i use it to much, and that was like 7 months ago. and you want to know what started this, i said he couldn’t cook!!! and he went off on me. and it scared me to death, i ended up running out of my house down the street to my Friends house.

but see even that isn’t the only thing he did,he’s done more and not just to me.

he had another girl pregnant before and they had a beautiful baby girl. but when see was about two and a half to three months old she ended up with eight or nine broken ribs and broken legs and was placed in foster care. i hated him, because after about a month to two months of blaming me for it and coming after me in every way possible,he admitted that he did it. after that his ex girlfriend came out and started saying thing about how he abused her and threw her up against the wall.

these are only two examples but you see how dangerous he could be……….. and i am scared for my best friend, i would never let anything ever happen to her or at least i will try.

i have saved her before and have help her to get help with her problems.

she is 16 about to turn 17,she has a good job, shes good in school, but she wasn’t at all like this six or seven months ago.

about six or seven months ago i got a call that my bf had tried to kill herself by popping pills, no one knew how to calm her down, she was scared and afraid, not able to stand light and she had a death fear or ambulances. The people with her didn’t know how to handle her, but i was a little more then a mile away. when i got the call i told the one guy to just keep her in the house and doors locked, get lots of water in her and then once i got off the phone, before i could even get my shoes on, ran out the door and got to the house in 10 minutes. She wasn’t in the house, they didn’t call a ambulance, and she wouldn’t drink the water. I got the phone called the ambulance and when she tried to escape, i pended her to the ground until the ambulance came and then strapped her in the bed. The next day she was okay, like nothing had happened, but she had bruises on her shoulders from were i had to hold her down and her liver was injured from it. Since that day she stopped the drinking, taking pills for fun, and anything else that was bad for her.

and she is doing so good, yeah she’s pregnant, but its better then before and i know that if something bad happen i am going to have to deal with it and pay a price that i can’t pay.

i have a pretty eventful life, everyday there is something new going on, or something new happening, most the time they are normal thing, some end up being really good, not often, but it happens, and some end up being really bad or annoying to me, sometimes more then often.

it the past month i found out a lot about copping with these disruptions of life. One thing is to talk about it, but see ianit much of a talking, the other is to forget about it, but i can’t just forget about it, because then it buries itself deep within me. there is taking in out on myself or others, but i can’t afford to take it out on myself again, not after all the time i spent getting better, and i can’t hurt others without making me feel worse, i just care to much about those around me. so the last option was to write, a dairy want ever i wanted, see the thing is i live with three sisters and a bother, a mom the is very nosey, and have no respect or privacy in my house. so i tried that but you should already know that people would read it and make me so mad that i wouldn’t even be able to handle myself and end up converting to my old ways, time and time again. but i am trying not to be like i was so i am trying a homepage that no one in my house knows about, witch is want this is. and believe me there is a lot of things that i am going to write about because its me and my life.

OK, well want is some type of sign on me that says “come after me”

after all the things i have been threw day after day and how tired my life makes me i expect to be able to go home and not what to rather be lock in a room with a killer and no way out. cause that’s how i feel my house is.

my family makes this evil disease that causes everything and everyone to become dark and sad and moody.

my family are heartless people who only care about themselves and can’t accept anyone for who they are useless its is like the. that’s why i don’t fit into this family of mine.

they are dark always mean don’t care about anyone else but themselves. while i am someone who would do anything for one of her friends and care about everyone weather i know everything about you or if i don’t even know your name, i care able others.

they have the spirit of darkness while i have a spirit of a protector or hope.

they have no respect for anything that isn’t like them and it makes me mad because my mom thinks that i am who i am because of her, i got where i am because of her, but she is so wrong…….

its my grandmother voice i hear to give me hope, Mikey voice to guide me along the dark roads, and my aunt June who taught me to be the way i am.

i am who i am because of them and not because of her cruel treatment of me….

she tries to change everything about me, but i can’t change want god made me to be. i am a fighter and will stick up for others and they are the people i protect other from. my family should never be able to put there hands on other people but she finds a way to destroy everything good…

weather it be a best Friends type of thing…

mother and daughter ………….

sister and sister….

anything she wants to destroy…

if she doesn’t have it and it something she don’t understand

instead of typing to understand it she destroys it.

have any of you been placed in a situation where you where dating a guy that you had deep feelings for, but your heart didn’t feel like this guy was right for……..

that your heart felt for someone else deeper, but this person was one of your best friends????

well this is the situation that i am in………….

i am going out with this great guy he does everything right and i not ready to leave him, because i do love him,

but,……………

i have feelings for my best Friend and i don’t know what to think because since my and my boyfriend have been together my best Friend has been treating me like so much worse………………

i not asking if i should leave my boyfreind, cause that would be crazy, but i am asking if…………

there are any ways to tell how you best friend feels towards you and way they are acting the way they are……

because if things remain to be the way they are i don’t think that in two months when he leaves for college i will be able to talk to him again because we might not have a Friend ship left, basically he will not want to be Friends with me…………

i really want to keep this guy as a friend because he means so much to me and i can’t because not allowed to go out with him because my family is racist, however i am not…….

i want to become good friends with him to see how things will go down the line, see how thing are meant to  but i still need to know want bugging him and i want to know how he feels…………..

have any of you guys been in the same situation and how did things turn out?

or have any of you have any idea how to find out want is wrong with him?

or any way to tell how he really feels about me?