hey, so at the end of the year i always start to think about things like want meant to be and such…………….. my things has always been cherish your life and not regret it…….. but see i have learn to admit your feelings and not hold then in cause its the worse feeling in the world and dangerous to do…………… also how do you want the outcome will be like seriously its not that hard to message someone or call them or even just say something to them….. sometimes the best things you could do is take a risk of falling and maybe you’ll fly…

well funny thing happened…… i got sun poisoning, yep.

i was so tried of hearing how pale i am and how i needed to tan, so on my day off last Sunday i went out into the sun without sunblock for about four to six hours………….

yea how stupid of me, i am fair skinned like no other person on earth fair skinned

i ended up feeling fine until i woke up the next morning and my stomach was really upset and i was red and i mean bright red…………………. i ended up throwing up and vomiting to the point were i was pussing or foaming inside my stomach…. all through my finals ( yes i stayed for finale) i was vomiting into the trash can witch i placed beside me, at the end of them my nurse called my mom yelling at her for letting me out of the house when i was sick like this but i went…… i walked home ended up getting really dizzy that my next store neighbor saw me gave me a ride how and said that i needed to go to the hospital.. but i DONT like hospitals. so i didn’t go, my work wouldn’t let me call off… so the entire night i had to worried about staying hydrated because of this stupid thing i have were i don’t absorb water right……….but i got threw that, but the next day my skin was stiff and got worse today today i feel like something is ripping threw me and catching me on fire and see if i don’t get better mean night in the hospital for me,………………

i guess that want i get for wanting to be like everyone else…….

he walked away from me without a single goodbye. he didn’t ask me to sign his yearbook, or even say i’ll miss you,just walk away like i never exsisted…………..

for those who don’t know, yesterday was the day that the person i cared for like a brother like my best freind had his last day of school and i know that we aren’t going to be good freinds because of all that has been happening between us for the last six months. all of a sudden he started to slip out of my reach and i had already perpared myself for what i thought was going to be the hardest thing to ever happen. but that wasn’t the case i never would of expected he to not let me sign his yearbook, not say goodbye, not to walk home one last time with me.

what did he do………………

he smile at me before last period and then walked away, wouldn’t walk home with me or say ashley i’ll see you again……………

poeple keep telling me you’ll see him again, but that wasn’t what i was worried about, i have done things like this walk away and then when i see my OLD freinds i say hi and smile and talk for a minute and go on with life, like a freindship there never exsisted. i didn’t want that for us i didn’t want him to forget about me the times we had together, but the way he acted was like nothing was there in the first place. everyone who knows me knows that i care for him. he is like a brother to me, like come on i would do anything for him including go agaisnt my 250 lb brother because he was talking bad on him……………….

and i am only 118………… he was twice my wieght

but when it comes to him there isn’t much i can’t do i would do anything for my family by heart. and he is part of that family…….. but what hurts me the most about what he did was that he didn’t let me say goodbye. didn’t let me say good luck, i’ll miss you, and “remember to smile” didn’t let me try to hug him one last time. but, i guess he wouldn’t of wanted me to……… cause maybe he didn’t care about my goodbye or the fact that i know what would of become of us…………

we were always going to end up saying a quick hi and bye, forgeting the fact that he is my brother my freind. and in a way i think i rather us be good freinds or no freinds then that type of freinds. cause i have alot of those but not many good friends who are there and going to stick beside me threw thick and thin. i just wish i could of changed the way he ended up feeling about me, i know in a way i deserve it, i never would of expected him to hate though. never would of wanted him to hate me…….

but he does.

I cherished the times and memories that we have together

i had a hope that our freindship would last forever

but now there’s nothing I can do

today I’ll say my goodbye to you

and though i will always miss and protect you

i can’t stay beside you in want you do

time will pass, it would lessen the pain

but my feelings for you will stay the same

I know your being watched and protected from up above

and hope that one day you find someone to love

 the sight of you walking away will always remine 

knowing my life from now will never be the same

i will forever miss you and cherish that knew you

but, you’re going on with the rest on you life

and there really much i could try to do

and i know you’re the only reason i survived

knowing that no matter how much time will past

that the memory of who you are will remain

and always the memories of you will last

and as the days grow easier, so shall the pain

i will never forget you and i will always miss you

and i hope that you will remember me in all that you do

that you have a Friend that will always be beside you

and i hope that you miss me and never forget me

there was a time that i was toltaly happy, that i felt like nothing could go wrong, but in one year all of it changed, allthe memories started to haunt me.

but i did begin to get happy and smile alot more without forcing it to my face. it had seemed that somewhere when my heart grew cold to those around me and that i had been so far from help that someone had guided me back into the light. someone that started off as the boyfreind’s best freind and ended cup being sort of like an angel. he is hard on himself and alot of bad things has happened to him, but with each growing day he is always there to help and pays close attention to those around him and i wanted to show him some how that he has changed my life for ever, because now i am not haunted  by the past and all the things that have happened i remember that those things are want have made me who i am today. although of course there are things to regret, i love the person i have turned out to be. and i feel like he was a big part of that. he showed me that altough dating the bad gguys are more fun that sometimes want you need is one that protects you by holding you tight. and i know that one day he is going to make some girl a really good prince charming. for he is every fairytale, heavenly, and mighty person i have ever know. he has made mistakes but its ok because he has turned out to be one of the best guys that i have ever meant. he is through everything i have said and things that i have done, remined the person i trust the most and my best friend. an angel to guide the way for those who are lost and will soon leave to find another needing soul and help them realize that we are who we are because its who we ae meant to be.

i hope he realizes that i am me because he showned me the way to be me again. i still have a long way to go but i know my road because he showed me. i wouldn’t be alive without you guideing me and showing me that there is more to life……

i hope that you miss high school more then you think. i hope you remember me, cause i will never forget you<3

the last of the updates you know all the big problems that have happened since the 3rd of may till the 15th and this will update you on the rest……

since that monday when he had hurt my shoulder all i wanted was i good day together and for five days striaght when we were together all we did was fight, fight about everything, what he would joke around about, the way my freinds acted, the way his freinds acted, and so much other things, and on friday in the pouring rain about an hour before my cheerleading try outs, he had started another fight and i had had it, by then i already thought about it because this relationship had from the best to the worse and so very fast, so i told him i needed the time, that i couldn’t be in a relationship with a guy who i couldn’tget along with , and i thought that maybe if we were freinds things would get better. but some things work and some don’t. i feel like maybe this is want we needed, but i miss him alot and he acts lke he does but sometimes i wonder if he really does, well how could someone blame me for still loving him after all the time we had spend together, but part of he had moved on he had kissed another girl, he says by accendent but those words ring threw my head…. it was his instinct. and now things started getting tough on the 19th was the two  year anniversity since my mikey died and on the june 21 he would 18. and rich’s freinds are talking on me and things keep going for good to bad slowly. when i think everything is going to be alright something tends to happen to distory it but i am beginning to realize that i have to take one day at a time, one secound, one minute, one hour at a time… and just maybe, maybe i’ll get threw this life with a little piece of me left.

not all bad things have happened though, i saw a freind that i haven’t seen in three years twice in one weekend, we caught up and then talked to another old freind that i see every once in awhile but never really talk to, it felt good because she was my best freind, the first person i meant when going to middle school, and talked about old time with one of my oldest freinds. and found out alot of things, like that the one other guy beside mike i love back then, the one no one can get me to talk about, john james, no one knows what happen to him and i hope and pray with everything in me that  nothing happened to him because i would never be able to forgive myself and alot of other things. but i hope that one day i will see the person i was back then and find that peace i had when i was with those people and sometimes that is a bad way to be, but i can’t tell the future and i can’t make the world show me were to good or make people tell the truth. all i can do is hope and pray and bring a little bit of happiness to a darkened world.

ok the post before undated you from the forth of may to the tenth of may….. and this one will undate you from the 11th of may to the 15th of may……

ok well i had worked the entire weekend before and this would be mothers day where again i had to work and rich had let me know time after time after time that he was straved for some of my attention and things were about to get harder.

He had come over for mother’s day and everything was going fine we were laughing and having fun and had a great time at breakfast with my family, but afterwards we had to go to patty’s house and things once again turned into a fight, which ended in me slapping him and him not talking to me, the fight started with jason, patty’s son, ( and for those who don’t remember patty, she is the foster perent of my niece emily). but soon after about an hour of fighting and rich saying “i want a kiss it would me alot to me” for me  to stop being mad and give him his kiss and for  the rest of the day everything was alright, but when i got off work rich had walked me home an dall he talked about was how i wasn’t giving him enough attention and how he was doing everything for himself. i brushed it off or held it in and when we got to my house i had tried to give him attention he wanted but i just wasn;t able to. and he went home.

monday was even worse……….. everything was good, i did  want ever he said for me to do and gave me all of my attention, but everything fell when i gave my freind a hug. my freind adam had been a good friend for awhile and i gave him a hug that rich said i give no other person, which wasn’t true. he ended up saying give me my kiss so i could get to class. i gave it to him and as he walked away i didn’t heard him say i love you and he got mad yelled at me and i said that back, and adam told him to clam down.. and then adam asked me want was his problem and i couldn’t give him an answer but i already knew that his true nature of jealously had shown its evil head again. the next period i confronted him able the way he had been acting and then got really worried when he started saying that i gave him a hug i give no one else. he was acting stupid and maybe my next move was the worse one possible, instead of fighting, i started to  walk to my class and right by the class room door all i felt was my shoulder start to hurt and i realize then he had done it. he had taken my arm pulled, wrapped, and applied strenght. my shoulder since that day still feel the effects of that day. later that day when i had ask him about it he said that it was his instinct to grab me but at the time and still sometime find myself thinking was it really to grad me or to hurt me. so times i do wonder…..

i forgave him, for a secret promise not even he knows about, a promise between to old best freinds. that i wouldn’t give up on a good man for no reason at all, and i mean it. the only way i would break up with him is it was had to be done if it was good for both of us, weather a break or a for good type of thing.

there has been alot happening in the last couple of weeks and sorry that i didn’t write sooner about this to keep you guys updated but i didn’t really have time.

so since may 3rd alot of things have happened

first this post will be about may 4th and threw may 10th….

on May 4th me and my boyfreind got into a huge fight and ended up at the end breaking up, another on of my best freinds betrayed me and since that day i haven’t talked to her. but the story is…

at the beginning of the day i ask my boyfreind about what had been said to tony and he denied it. And of course i believedhim but i needed time to think because i was so confused, i didn’t know why they would say that or any on the other thosands of questions racing threw my head. i  couldn’t believe want was happening and he wouldn’t just leave alone to think he kept coming to my classes and not leaving me alone and at the end of the day he snapped and broke us off. soon after he walked away i noticed him talking to my best freind sam and sam said that i was cheating on him with gage. letting gage feel me up and i was said how much i loved his touch and such and said that this happened at lunch. and even though he has said that it was because he was mad, he yelled at me saying mean things to me and i in my defense had yelled back and thats when we broke  up with each other. it stayed that way for about four hours until once again i had to make the first move and say that i was sorry. at work i called him when i was on my break and he came down to my work and we made up.

the next day more things arose i confronted sam about want she had said and she dinied what had been said and then rich started to change small asspects of his story and then sean and tony had said something to rich calling him a pussy and such and at lunch i went to confront themand they said that me and rich together was getting old because after we had broken up rich was relieved and it hurt me and i didn’t want to believe it, but a small part of me believe it and that part of me was right. he admitted it to me after school when i ask in front of his freinds so i could find the truth. hye had felt relieved when we had broke up. but he had said that later on i was all he could think about i was always there, he had said that in spite of me. but that didn’t matter in the end i felt part of him give up on me.

as the days rolled on more things had arose and had to be confronted. i was sick and tired of holding in want i was feeling and i broke, i told rich how i had felt, betrayed torn. split and untrusting. we fought about everything but not for a long amount of time so i came to the conclusion that everything would get better. and for a couple of days things calmed down and i stopped talking to tony, sean, and sam. me and rich were good but i was working alot and had alot of other things to do.  

does it seems that you can’t do anything right or that you just can’t seem to fit in. like no matter how many people are around you, you just can’t feel like you belong anywhere. like you have no meaning at all. well thats how i have felt for about two years now.

i have tried everything to get rid of the feeling that half of me is missing, but ever since i had to leave the life i had about two years ago, i can’t fill the vold left by all that i lost.

well when i felt i belong for the first and only time in my life was at my middle school, there i had freinds who cared about me and a life that i was prond to have and wanted to live it for as long as possible. i think out of all i lost in between 8th and 9th grade was my freindship with mikey and john, and mikey b. we all were inseperatable. we all were really close. but none of them was as close to me as mikey. he was the one person that no matter what happened was there for me and would of done anything to protect me and ended up later dying because of me.

after 8th grade i had to go to a new school other then the one that i wanted to go to, a different one then all of my other freinds, i had to go to a school that i was the new be and didn’t know anyone. it hurt because i felt that i was going to lose myself then and i did since june 14th when i walked out of that school and away from the only family i really ever had, the only people that ever really cared about me, and away from the person that i felt was the most important person in the world to me. His name would be mikey. i thought that me and him would be life lone friend but my mom hated him because he was mixed. and about two weeks after i walked out of the school i got into some troble with a guy name andrew and alot of things happened and mike went to protect me and make sure i was ok. and in the end he ended up dead shot to death, killed because he cared.

ever since i found out about his death i felt lost and confused, i tried everything to replace the way he made me feel, that sense of belonging and a feeling that i don’t think i would ever feel again. whenever i come close to the feeling something is different and now i thik it is time that i give up on that feeling, because no person on earth can be like he was for me, no person could ever be him, and now i realize that all the freinds i have now aren’t ever going to care about me the way he did, or even fight to be my freind, and no boyfreind or guy i fall in love with will ever understand me the way he did, he was someone that just made me feel complete and like i had a prepose in life, something i could do that would be good, instead of the way most things i feel threw people like they could careless about me. now threw others eyes i feel like all i do is wrong all i say is wrong, that i am distruction and how could they ever care about such a horable person, none of the people i thought did care about me, think i am a part of this world the could care less if i am alive dead, friend or foe, anything or nothing.

i feel like he is the only one with the exception of my grandmother that would ever care about me and because i was forced two years ago by my mom to give up, i will never know who we would of been or what would of been of me today, i can’t say that i regret the past two years cause i have had alot of fun, but none of those things i did, gave me that feelings when i went to bed or gave me something to wake up for. thanks to my mother racism and strct rukes i lost the best feeling in the world and sent into a world to wonder my perpose in life till the day i die.

Betrayed

* as the day goes by and i slowly begin to realize*

*That behind it all seems to be true, but its still lies*

*my heart begins to weaken and starts to break*

*i knew the chalenge, but not the toll it would take*

*My eyes fill with tears, i will just push back*

* and i realize the courage is what i seem to lack*

* after all the time and dream together to become*

*i feel you are it, but others say “he isn’t the one”

*I start to believe that something is wrong what are they saying*

* they don’t understand the way i feel, the price that i am paying*

* the time around me flows the same, but i feel so behind*

* everything moving so fast, to fast, all i want is more time*

* “stop it” i scream nothing to be heard, i just want to give in*

* i want to start over, but then i don’t want this life to end*

*my heart pounds loud enough for me to hear*

* and spreading threw my body is a pain i can’t bear*

* i feel the blood pour out of my wounds, but none are seen*

* i feel so mad and sad, betrayed, i thought we were a team*

* i don’t understand, how am i going to survive, i don’t know what to do*

* what will become of the freindships and all we had, want will we turn in to*

A.N.R

well,you know already know the story,if you read the last post………….

right now i am writing this from inside school,  couldn’t go to class, just had to write………

i just bumped into this my boyfreind in the hall he made a big deal about everything, trying i guess to close my eye to the fact that he was playing me and trying to be nice but he was totally just being worse….

he tried saying that his bestfreind and mine were lieing to me and that all that they are trying to do is get you away from them, first his best freind doesn’t lie and that was enough for me because why would  his best freind do that, and why are othee people saying that he was indeed lying to me….

i feel worse now then before, because him lying to me made me more mad and then i started to say something i guess i really shouldn’t of said,,,,,,,,,

i said that he should just go and cheat on me already with the other girl he loves……

i feel really bad,but i kind a feel like now maybe he should be with her instead of me, i don’t know why he wants to hurt me and right now i don’t know what to do.

everyone tells me that i deserve better that he didn’t want me in the first place that it was the other  girl he wanted…. and i deserve better then that

the thing is that i really did and do love him but i don’t know if i can still go out with him if i don’t trust him anymore… is it possible to make this relationship work if i don’t have trust in what he says or does any more.

worse feeling in the world is when you trust someone who in the end will stabb you in the back.

when you care about someone and trust them with you life you expect them to treat you right and be beside you the whole way threw.

my story is often like that of the death of julius caesar. in the end it wasn’t that he had been stabbed so much by seven other people it was that the last person to stabbed was that of someone that he trusted and believed in his beloved Brutus. Caesar’s heart broke when he was stabbed by brutus fore brutus was his freind and someone he cared for so deeply and loved with all his life.

this is similar to want i felt, it wasn’t the death of me but it killed me inside, hurt like no other pain in the world or at least like any other pain that i felt before. I wasn’t hurt by two people that i trusted with all lmy heart and soul and ended up getting stabbed in the back by both of them.

they had skeemed to hurt me in the end, they say that they didn’t mean two but they did, they knew it was hurting me, they both had jion together against me and when i found out about the plot it hurt, there was a umbareable pain in my heart and chest, that of which spend all over my body, i became frozen in time and the memory of it playing over and over agian, trying to fiquire out want i did wrong, what had happened to cause them to do this.

one was my boyfreind, the other was one of the closest and best freinds i have. my EX-boyfriend had went to one of my bestfriends and told him to stay away from me that he needed me to love him alone and be with him alone, then my best freind for the past three months had been getting a little more cold towards me, wether saying mean things, ingoring me or even that fact that in the end showed no emition towards me at all, and then i had had enough of it.

i wanted to know why he was so cold and his eyes had turned on me, after all that i had done, after he knew how much i had cared about him and trusted him, i wanted a reason why he had started hateing me so much.

and he said…………..

“you boyfreind wanted me to”

and it broke, in came a pain that hurt every inch of my sould and heart, my lung closed up on me………….

the only person that i cared more about then my best freind was my boyfriend, how could he do something like that to me, i thought, i trusted him,  i cared about him, i hadd loved him, i don’t just care and love and TRUST just anybody i trusted them and both had treated me so bad, had stabbed me threw the heart.

it hurt so much more to get stabbed by someone that you trust and care about and love then anyone else in the world, any pain better then that pain you get by being betrayed by two poeple you trust and care about………………..

want is suppose to happen now, i want to be with them because i still kill, but everytime  i see their faces i feel so much pain, so much betrail, so much sadness………….

and then i get mad for trusting them and caring for people who didn’t and couldn’t care back.

want did i do to deserve such pain, so much pain, and sadness.

i just don’t understand why, how did this happen to me>???

OK, how about this for frustrating.

my best Friend is pregnant with my brother’s baby, but the thing is i knew her before he did. i love my Friend to death and wouldn’t want anything to happen to her,but she is going out with the one of my brothers that are dangerous and get angry easy. i have been threw everything that my brother could do and it hurts, he is Strong and able to hurt people. he was able to come after me, someone who has done just able everything for him, but he has come after me,lots of times and has hurt me in ways no other person can.

one time he threw me over the stairs railing and still came after me, i had bruises all over me and my shoulder was injured to a full extinct, and it still tends to get sore from time to time when i use it to much, and that was like 7 months ago. and you want to know what started this, i said he couldn’t cook!!! and he went off on me. and it scared me to death, i ended up running out of my house down the street to my Friends house.

but see even that isn’t the only thing he did,he’s done more and not just to me.

he had another girl pregnant before and they had a beautiful baby girl. but when see was about two and a half to three months old she ended up with eight or nine broken ribs and broken legs and was placed in foster care. i hated him, because after about a month to two months of blaming me for it and coming after me in every way possible,he admitted that he did it. after that his ex girlfriend came out and started saying thing about how he abused her and threw her up against the wall.

these are only two examples but you see how dangerous he could be……….. and i am scared for my best friend, i would never let anything ever happen to her or at least i will try.

i have saved her before and have help her to get help with her problems.

she is 16 about to turn 17,she has a good job, shes good in school, but she wasn’t at all like this six or seven months ago.

about six or seven months ago i got a call that my bf had tried to kill herself by popping pills, no one knew how to calm her down, she was scared and afraid, not able to stand light and she had a death fear or ambulances. The people with her didn’t know how to handle her, but i was a little more then a mile away. when i got the call i told the one guy to just keep her in the house and doors locked, get lots of water in her and then once i got off the phone, before i could even get my shoes on, ran out the door and got to the house in 10 minutes. She wasn’t in the house, they didn’t call a ambulance, and she wouldn’t drink the water. I got the phone called the ambulance and when she tried to escape, i pended her to the ground until the ambulance came and then strapped her in the bed. The next day she was okay, like nothing had happened, but she had bruises on her shoulders from were i had to hold her down and her liver was injured from it. Since that day she stopped the drinking, taking pills for fun, and anything else that was bad for her.

and she is doing so good, yeah she’s pregnant, but its better then before and i know that if something bad happen i am going to have to deal with it and pay a price that i can’t pay.

i have a pretty eventful life, everyday there is something new going on, or something new happening, most the time they are normal thing, some end up being really good, not often, but it happens, and some end up being really bad or annoying to me, sometimes more then often.

it the past month i found out a lot about copping with these disruptions of life. One thing is to talk about it, but see ianit much of a talking, the other is to forget about it, but i can’t just forget about it, because then it buries itself deep within me. there is taking in out on myself or others, but i can’t afford to take it out on myself again, not after all the time i spent getting better, and i can’t hurt others without making me feel worse, i just care to much about those around me. so the last option was to write, a dairy want ever i wanted, see the thing is i live with three sisters and a bother, a mom the is very nosey, and have no respect or privacy in my house. so i tried that but you should already know that people would read it and make me so mad that i wouldn’t even be able to handle myself and end up converting to my old ways, time and time again. but i am trying not to be like i was so i am trying a homepage that no one in my house knows about, witch is want this is. and believe me there is a lot of things that i am going to write about because its me and my life.

OK, well want is some type of sign on me that says “come after me”

after all the things i have been threw day after day and how tired my life makes me i expect to be able to go home and not what to rather be lock in a room with a killer and no way out. cause that’s how i feel my house is.

my family makes this evil disease that causes everything and everyone to become dark and sad and moody.

my family are heartless people who only care about themselves and can’t accept anyone for who they are useless its is like the. that’s why i don’t fit into this family of mine.

they are dark always mean don’t care about anyone else but themselves. while i am someone who would do anything for one of her friends and care about everyone weather i know everything about you or if i don’t even know your name, i care able others.

they have the spirit of darkness while i have a spirit of a protector or hope.

they have no respect for anything that isn’t like them and it makes me mad because my mom thinks that i am who i am because of her, i got where i am because of her, but she is so wrong…….

its my grandmother voice i hear to give me hope, Mikey voice to guide me along the dark roads, and my aunt June who taught me to be the way i am.

i am who i am because of them and not because of her cruel treatment of me….

she tries to change everything about me, but i can’t change want god made me to be. i am a fighter and will stick up for others and they are the people i protect other from. my family should never be able to put there hands on other people but she finds a way to destroy everything good…

weather it be a best Friends type of thing…

mother and daughter ………….

sister and sister….

anything she wants to destroy…

if she doesn’t have it and it something she don’t understand

instead of typing to understand it she destroys it.

have any of you been placed in a situation where you where dating a guy that you had deep feelings for, but your heart didn’t feel like this guy was right for……..

that your heart felt for someone else deeper, but this person was one of your best friends????

well this is the situation that i am in………….

i am going out with this great guy he does everything right and i not ready to leave him, because i do love him,

but,……………

i have feelings for my best Friend and i don’t know what to think because since my and my boyfriend have been together my best Friend has been treating me like so much worse………………

i not asking if i should leave my boyfreind, cause that would be crazy, but i am asking if…………

there are any ways to tell how you best friend feels towards you and way they are acting the way they are……

because if things remain to be the way they are i don’t think that in two months when he leaves for college i will be able to talk to him again because we might not have a Friend ship left, basically he will not want to be Friends with me…………

i really want to keep this guy as a friend because he means so much to me and i can’t because not allowed to go out with him because my family is racist, however i am not…….

i want to become good friends with him to see how things will go down the line, see how thing are meant to  but i still need to know want bugging him and i want to know how he feels…………..

have any of you guys been in the same situation and how did things turn out?

or have any of you have any idea how to find out want is wrong with him?

or any way to tell how he really feels about me?